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The reinvention of Me

I say reinvention not because I don’t love myself for who I am at this very moment, but because of the drastic nature of how I wish to improve myself. I consider myself to be “born again” in the spiritual sense, but now I wish to finally bring my physical body along, surrender my flesh, if you will. As many of you can relate, this is no easy feat. My flesh does not long to rise early, exercise, eat well, and abstain from addictive foods/behaviors.

Level One is Discovery. I am me and I love myself unconditionally. Level Two is Definition. Who am I at this moment, and what would I like to become? Level Three is Planning. How do I get there? Level Four is Action. Well, here is where I get stuck. I am desperately looking forward to the new improved version of me but I have yet to figure out the right path to get there. There is so much swirling around in this brain of mine, so many things consume my thoughts but discipline eludes me...


My obsessions….

Writing, of course!
Movies, theatre and the arts
Music
All things coffee AND tea
Spicy International cuisine, preferably SANS meat
Colorful silk scarves
Unique bracelets and Diva Glam rings
Anything silver
Natural stones
Shoes, shoes and more shoes
Large bags of varying shapes and colors
Decorative boxes
Old books
Journals
Fountain pens
Amber scented body products
A fresh manicure with OPI lacquer of course!
And more recently, the sound of my baby cake’s innocent giggle.

So what should I talk about? How I have been trying to adopt a natural, organic, healthy lifestyle but have yet to master the Stairmaster? Or how of my numerous pursuits a Bachelor’s Degree has still alluded me? Why I own a crazy amount of athletic gear and only grace the doors of the gym on average about twice per month? I wouldn't say I am your classic procrastinator, or someone who continuously starts something and doesn't finish it, but man do I wish I could focus enough and muster up enough determination to accomplish a few life goals in the midst of my crazy day-to-day hustle. Don't get me wrong, I absolutely love being a wife and mother. I have never been the type to want to be “alone”-- I put that in quotes because I don’t mind being by myself, just not unattached. I love being someone’s other half, their +1, their snuggle bunny, their travel companion, back rubber, dinner maker and coffee stirrer. My life would be empty without it. Not to mention the fact that my husband happens to be an ultra-handsome, charming as hell, driven, God-fearing, family-loving, house-cleaning, dish-washing, baby-changing, fine, mocha-colored tall drink of water! Yes, I know how very blessed I am. And if that weren’t enough, God saw fit to bless me with the sweetest, most beautiful little baby girls on the planet, Miss Anaya Nalani. So where was I now? Oh yeah, why can’t I get anything done for me? Critics would say because I don't want it bad enough or I don't love myself enough. But the reality is, I am only one person and I am a regular ole human being so there is only so much I can handle in a day. Perhaps some patient planning and organization coupled with a little disciplined determination would do a lot for my cause. Patience I can do. Pretty well I might add. That might be the problem. Could do with a little less patience and a little more discipline and determination. Ok, so a plan is a good idea. I have mapped lots of plans before. In my head, on paper, in a day planner, in a fancy journal, on my computer, on a calendar schedule, in a complicated spreadsheet…all to no avail. So here is where you come in. I need some help. Real assistance please, not smart comments or sales pitches for books or personal empowerment conferences. Real help. Suggestions are welcome as well as are links to websites or other information you feel may prove helpful. Encouragement, empathy, and sympathy are also welcome. Insults are not. Look forward to hearing from you.

time track and cracked hearts

is anything really as it seems? life is one big mystery and i am one of those people who fight the urge to flip to the end of a suspense novel because i just have to know right now how things turn out. i have been waiting five years to see how things would turn out and i so wish i would have skipped ahead and peeked. so much time spent fighting and struggling and praying and toiling to reach this point and i feel like i've gone backward instead of forward. too bad time doesn't follow us on our little side tours of life. we continue to age at full speed, science still makes advancements, windows makes another service pack, and loan interest still compounds. and broken hearts, well sometimes they heal-and sometimes...they get harder and crack more and more until rendered useless.

"Pain is temporary...failure lasts forever."

A future and a Hope...

Hope what is it? Is it that feeling hanging around just between your heart and your head vying for the power that only faith can bring? Or is it just an afterthought that exists when someone wishes you the best; something people say to make you feel better like, "I hope you get well soon" or "I hope you get that job." Is hope the act of wishing the best? Has wishing something ever really made it come true? What about 'false hope'? How do you know whether your hope is true or false? Perhaps there is a timeline. After some practical period of time, when something you've hoped for does not materialize, is it then reduced to false hope? Or is it considered false hope when there is a majority who does not agree with what you have hoped and the minority continues to feed hope into your heart and mind--is that false hope? Or is it something greater? One thing I know for sure: hope alone never got me anything but frustrated. And angry. And depressed. And then what happens when you lose hope or will then what happens to the highest expression of hope; faith? How can you possibly have faith without hope? Not sure about that. But I do know this. To regain hope you have to get moving. You must take action. Just work towards something, anything until it sparks a desire in you for a positive outcome. It is at that time that you will begin to gain a sense of hope and the more you act, the more you work at it--then faith will emerge. "For I know the plans I have for you," says the Lord, "They are plans for good and not for disaster, to give you a future and a hope." --Jer. 29:11

DON'T GIVE UP.
""People who have given up are ruled by their darkest mistakes, worst failures, and deepest regrets. If you want to be successful, then be governed by your finest thoughts, your highest enthusiasm, your greatest optimism, and your most triumphant experiences." -John Maxwell

The Reality of the Fullness of God--His Unfailing Love

There are so many people seeking. Trying to understand God. Trying to find out the meaning of life and their purpose on this earth; trying to make sense of it all. Lord, you created us in the beginning for the sole purpose of Loving.

All things were created for You to love, for us to love You back, for us to love each other and the earth around us--Your Creation. Somewhere along the way we made a choice. We chose to know more than we needed to know. All we needed was to love You. You were there to supply everything else. There was no need to know good vs. evil. We only knew good--we were perfect; we didn't need to eat from that tree. All we needed to do was love You.

Loving You meant obeying your commands. Trusting in You. Worshiping You. You gave us free will to choose so that the choice to love you, obey you and trust you in itself would be an act of worship. You didn't want robots automatically programmed to act a certain way. There is no love in that. Lucifer failed this test. He wanted to be loved more than he wanted to love. That caused him to want all the love for himself; more love than all the other angels. It caused rebellion and sin. Lucifer thought he was better than the others. He was full of pride. And You oh Lord, were forced to cast him out of Heaven apart from You. Rejection was born. The root of all sin here on Earth.

Since then, Satan has wanted every other creature on earth to feel rejected. The whole premise of this worldly system of things is based on who is wanted. Who is idolized. The goal of this sinful world is to be the one who everyone loves more than anyone else. The goal of Heaven is opposite--to love everyone else more than your own desire to be loved. To lay your own desires down, to nail them to The Cross. It's all about pouring your love out upon others so that God can refill you with more of His love. Deeper and deeper revelations of His love each time. The Knowledge, the true knowledge that Adam should have been concerned with in the garden was the Knowledge of God. Knowing the Creator and Master. To know Him, to truly know God, is to love Him completely. That is all there is to know--His Love is Everything. God is Everything! And His whole being is based upon love.

That is God's whole motivation for everything He has done and continues to do. That is all we need to know. We will not have a complete revelation of God and how much He loves us, or what real true love feels like in its fullness until the Fullness of God is revealed to us when He returns. But until then, we can seek night and day to love Him more, receive more of His love and give more and more love away as we go through life as He originally intended--receiving deeper and deeper revelations of just who this loving God is that we serve.

He Reigns, Let Him!

I am starting today to listen to what the Lord wants for my life. Not to what I feel I need at the moment. Everything I seek and strive for based on my feelings and emotions I never seem to reach. I understand now that it is because I have allowed my emotions to reign. As the bible says, the heart is treacherous, who can know it? You never know what the outcome might be when you rely on your emotions to drive you. From this day forward I will no longer be ruled by my emotions or my flesh but will seek the Holy Spirit within me, giving it power to rule over my actions. I want to act on obedience to the Lord alone. Obedience fueled by devotion. It is not about us; we must truly rely on Him and allow Him to take control of the circumstances around us. We must cover every single decision in prayer and not move until He says move. Yes, we must still work in the natural to make every effort to see His will done in our lives, but we can never allow ourselves to go ahead of God...or, stand in His way.